LOSING FRIENDS AS AN ADULT? HERE’S WHY IT’S COMPLETELY NORMAL

Friendship -
Photo by Chu Chup Hinh: https://www.pexels.com

Lately, I’ve been grappling with the complexities of adult friendship. Since I moved away from Jakarta and settled in this new city over two and a half years ago, I’ve found myself in unfamiliar emotional territory. 

Back then, forming a close-knit circle of friends always came naturally. But here, now? While I’ve met wonderful people (especially in my Zumba class, where, funnily enough, those people that I am close with are also from Jakarta) our connection remains confined to the studio. Despite making plans to hang out beyond our workout sessions, life keeps getting in the way.

This got me thinking: Have I lost my ability to make meaningful friendships? Am I no longer a good friend? Or, even worse, do I simply not belong here?

Just as these thoughts began to spiral, I stumbled upon a tweet from Handoko Tjung, the only creative content creator I follow in X. That day, he shared his perspective on adult friendship and how it naturally evolves as we age in a very fun way as he always does. And as if the universe was speaking directly to me, I came across a clip from Jay Shetty’s podcast featuring Mel Robbins. In it, she beautifully explained why friendships undergo significant shifts as we grow older.

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Mel described how, in our younger years, friendships often revolve around shared milestones like school, college, first jobs, and a collective sense of “figuring it out together.” But as we enter our 20s and beyond, we gradually transition from group friendships to more individualized connections. Life takes us in different directions as we pursue careers, relationships, and personal growth.

Further, she outlined three pillars of adult friendship that resonated deeply with me:

1. Proximity

Friendships are heavily influenced by who we spend time with regularly. As we move to different cities, switch jobs, or change routines, our social circles shift accordingly.

2. Timing 

Our timelines become increasingly varied. At the same age, one friend might be getting married while another is traveling the world solo. Some are starting families, others are going back to school, and some are navigating personal hardships like divorce. The rhythm of life no longer syncs up the way it used to.

3. Energy 

As we evolve, our interests and priorities change. The partygoer of the past may now find solace in mindfulness retreats. The introvert who once avoided the spotlight might now be a public speaker. We invest our energy in different ways, which inevitably alters the dynamics of our relationships.

Hearing this was like a breath of fresh air. It all made sense. Friendships shift, not because we or others have changed for the worse, but simply because change is inevitable. Understanding this allowed me to stop blaming myself. 

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I realized there’s nothing wrong with me, and there’s nothing wrong with this city either. The evolution of friendships is a universal experience. People come and go, and as Mel said: 99% of the time, it’s not personal. So, why bother?

What’s important is embracing this new phase of life with an open heart. Rather than mourning the friendships that have faded, I choose to appreciate the ones that remain, regardless of their form. I cherish the spontaneous moments of connection, whether they come from a deep conversation at a coffee shop or a shared laugh in a Zumba class. And while adult friendships may look different, they are no less meaningful.

So, if you’ve been feeling the weight of changing friendships, know that you’re not alone. It’s okay to outgrow certain connections, and it’s okay for others to drift away. The key is to cherish the relationships that still bring warmth to your life and remain open to new ones that may blossom in unexpected ways.

Friendship, much like life, is an ever-evolving journey. And as long as we continue to grow, so will the people we walk alongside, even if it’s just for a part of the way.