THE DAY I REALIZED I AM NOT MY FEELINGS

Happy dance -
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio: https://www.pexels.com

The other day, I found myself trapped in frustration over something I couldn’t fix on my own. My electricity had gone out, but it was only in my place. And to make matters worse, I had no idea who to call for help. Back in Jakarta, solving problems like this was as easy as grabbing my phone, searching for a technician, making a quick call, and… boom! help was on the way. Sure, it cost money, but as long as everything functioned again, it was worth it. Here, however, I was left powerless; literally and emotionally.

Feeling helpless, I flopped onto my bed, trying to manage my emotions. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and told myself, “I am experiencing anger.” I repeated the phrase like a mantra, over and over. And then, something unexpected happened. I realized how different I had become.

To be honest, it was my first time consciously acknowledging my anger in such a way. I had never verbalized it before. Curious, I started reflecting on how I usually responded to anger. I recalled how, in the past, I would feel the emotion rise from my chest to my throat, but instead of expressing it, I would suppress it. That tension would then travel to my head, sometimes triggering a migraine. Other times, I would get lost in overthinking, replaying frustrating scenarios in my mind which can last for days. And when avoidance seemed easier, I would scroll mindlessly on my phone or bury myself in games, just to escape dealing with the feeling. Sound familiar?

Also read: What It Feels Like after Releasing Your Emotional Baggage

As I was staring blankly at my bedroom ceiling, I asked myself, “Is this really how I’ve been handling difficult emotions all this time? And why am I only seeing it now?” 

In that moment, I nearly forgot about my power outage. My phone and laptop were dead, which meant I couldn’t work, but strangely, none of that mattered. What mattered the most was that epiphany, the rare chance of a metacognition process to watch myself from a distance and understand how I function under pressure.

Then it hit me: “I was experiencing anger, but I was not angry.” No, I am not angry. That’s not who I am. I am a human who is experiencing the feeling of anger at that particular time in my life. 

BOOM! I suddenly felt like a layer of darkness was unveiled. I could see clearly now.

That was a game-changing distinction for me to realize that my emotions did not define me. I was not my frustration, my sadness, or my stress. I was simply a human being going through these emotions, and like all feelings, they were temporary. 

It was like being caught in a rainstorm. I could feel the rain soaking my clothes, the cold seeping into my skin, but I was not the storm itself. The storm would pass, just as my emotions would. 

I couldn’t believe that for so long, I had unknowingly identified with my feelings, allowing them to shape my self-perception. But in reality, I was merely the observer, the person holding the umbrella, learning to navigate through the rain instead of becoming it.

Also read: When Life Calls for a Change, Just Trust the Unknown

That realization was like a switch being flipped inside me. Suddenly, I understood, deep in my core, what so many self-help books and inspirational quotes had been saying all along. It wasn’t just a nice concept anymore; it was something I felt in my body, something real. Maybe this was what alignment felt like; the moment when the mind, heart, and body finally speak the same language.

A wave of compassion, then, rushed through me, softening the tight grip of frustration. I patted my own back literally and whispered a small “thank you” to myself for showing up every day, trying to grow and evolve. That day, I felt like I had taken a step forward in life, not just in understanding emotions, but in being kinder to myself.

Later that afternoon, as if perfectly timed by the universe, my landlord showed up and fixed the electricity just 45 minutes before my Zoom meeting that had made me anxious and frustrated all day. But the irony wasn’t lost on me. That day, the power at my house was off, but the real power, the one inside my heart and mind, was switched on.

I guess sometimes, life gives us these moments of forced pause not to frustrate us, but to enlighten us. And if we’re paying attention, we might just find that when one light goes out, another one flickers on in a way we never expected.