UNWRAPPING MY HEART - WHY I DON'T LIKE PEOPLE REMEMBERING MY BIRTHDAY

 

Let us eat cake - Photo by Micheile Henderson: https://www.pexels.com

This morning, I received a text from my dear friend, and it was such a pleasant surprise. When I left Jakarta two years ago, I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to her. I was completely caught up in work, packing, house hunting, finding movers, fixing the damage from a fire in the house, notifying the house agent about the incident, and handling everything related to the fire insurance claim that ended up being denied. On top of all that, I had a packed schedule of farewell staycations with my best friends and lunch dates with various people.

I didn’t want to feel like I was leaving for good—I thought it was just a short getaway to clear my head, and that I might return to Jakarta sooner than I expected. That's why I only told a few people.

Her message read, “Happy belated birthday… Better late than never… Sorry yaaa.” I couldn’t help but smile when I saw it. 

‘She remembered,’ I thought. That was so sweet. I thanked her and sent a virtual hug.

“Nothing to be sorry about… this is already sweet and warm,” I wrote back. Honestly, a wave of love washed over me, as if I was receiving warmth from the top of my head to the tips of my toes.

She’s always been so kind and thoughtful. Whether she’s buying gifts or making them by hand, she always puts so much care into choosing something for the people she loves. It's never about the gift itself, but about the love and care behind it. That’s what truly touches me. It makes me feel seen, appreciated, and loved.

She replied, “Wishing you a year filled with joy and content.” 

Aww, that was so sweet. This time, I really felt so blessed reading her message. It felt like a sincere prayer just for me, and who wouldn't feel blessed to receive such a heartfelt wish from someone so dear to them? And I told her exactly how I felt.

“What gift is the most memorable this year?” she asked. I laughed out loud at this. I could almost imagine her wishing she knew my address to send something!

Also read: How God Can Be Playfully Romantic

Without hesitation, I replied, “Your love and wishes.” And I meant it. It wasn’t just a polite response.

It was a strange feeling though, almost like the first time I truly realized how much love I've been receiving. It made me wonder if I’ve been too guarded or distant to accept love properly. Have I been taking things for granted? Have I unknowingly built a wall around myself?

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always felt uneasy about my birthday. I didn’t want anyone to remember it. I felt awkward and uncomfortable receiving surprises or attention on that day. I preferred when my birthday fell on a weekend so I could hide away at home. I felt a great sense of relief when the day ended and no one wished me a happy birthday. It was as if I could finally breathe again.

I don’t mind receiving birthday wishes or gifts after the day has passed. By then, it feels like the day is already behind me, and I don’t feel that same sense of insecurity.

As I’m writing this now, I can’t help but feel sorry for myself. What has happened over the years to make me feel this way? Why have I been so resistant to love? What has kept me from accepting it?

I always thought I simply didn’t like being the center of attention. I didn’t want to stand in the spotlight. I preferred to work behind the scenes. 

I remember the time when a staff member at school told me that my GPA was the same as another student’s but I wouldn’t be called to the stage because I got an A- for my thesis. Gosh, I thought there was something wrong with me coz her face looked so cautious. I dropped my guard down, smiled and sincerely said, “That’s totally okay.” Inside my heart I whispered to myself, ‘I actually prefer it this way.’

But now, as I reflect on it, I feel like hugging myself. I never realized I might have been avoiding love all this time. Perhaps love has always felt like a foreign concept, something I could understand in my mind, but not feel in my heart.

Also read: What If

I sipped my cappuccino, which had gone cold, and paused for a moment, reflecting on everything I was writing. I could feel the flutter of my heart and the soft hum in my brain, while the Christmas playlist of Glee on my Bluetooth earphones drowned out the chatter around me.

Could this be an epiphany? A sudden realization, an understanding, a breakthrough? It felt like a gift, a blessing, a miracle.

I took a longer pause to let all of this sink in. Had I been living my life feeling unworthy without even knowing it?

I didn’t show any of this on the outside, though. I was in public, so I kept my emotions in check. But inside, I was giving myself a big hug.

We only know what we know. We don't know what we don't know, even when it's about ourselves.

It’s only November 28th, but it already feels like Christmas. I’m receiving such a beautiful blessing today. Wait… isn’t today the fourth Thursday of November? Yes, it is. It’s Thanksgiving Day, my favorite holiday of the year.

The harvest feast that the Pilgrims shared back in 1600 isn’t part of the culture or history here in Indonesia, but the spirit of gratitude I experienced during Thanksgiving in the States still resonates with me. It brings back that warm feeling of togetherness, family, and harmony. That’s something I truly miss.

Even though I’m thousands of miles away, that same spirit still seems to be working its magic here. It brings me back to the feeling of home, where comfort, rest, and safety surround me.

We never know who God sends as His angel(s) to deliver His love. We never know when or where we’ll receive it, but we can trust that His love is always with us.

Folks, have faith. His hands are closer than we think. He loves and protects us, and that’s guaranteed.

Happy Thanksgiving! May you enjoy a warm day with your family and loved ones.